It was just a nightmare

I woke up.....and....it was just a nightmare :)

It has been x years. I don't regret for the decision I made at that time because I know the Lord will be faithful in this matter. And I believe He is still loving and blessing us even today. :)

That time, a lot of people around me told me a lot of things. Like Joanne, you should do this. Joanne, you should do that. Joanne, if he can't make the decision, you should be the one who make the decision. Joanne, you shouldn't do this. Joanne, you shouldn't do that. ALRIGHT ENOUGH I GOT IT! I GOT IT OKAY? SO STOP!!!

I asked a lot of what if......he will...... I know him well enough that those what if might end up as a nightmare for both of us. Although I did hoped that it won't happen, nightmare did happened and when that happened, I was lost. No one cares about how I feel. No one knows how strong I have to be just to make that one decision. How much have I been "lectured" by xxx and xxx and xxx even after everything ended. And even after all of those, why should xxx told my dad about it??

My dad didn't scold me or say much to me, just shared with me his mum concern. I cried badly while my dad talked to me that night. I remembered clearly what is her concerns even until today. Why is everyone doing this to me? This isn't fair to me. You all made and forced me to make this decision and I obeyed!!! BUT why do you still need to acknowledge my dad about it? Why must my dad hear from you about this? It wasn't fair. Yes, you know his parents and my parents, but why can't you just ask my permission before telling my dad? 

I know, at that point of time, my dad loves me more than anything. His heart must have ache so much when I cried on the phone. I never ever once cried in front of my dad, that was the first time. I believed he prayed a lot for me before and after our conversation. And...I kept this to myself. And what happen next, I was lost in the world.

I was doing things that I want and in my own ways. I love my best friends especially qm at that time because she knew how I felt and what situation am I in. She listened to me and understand all the pressure I am having. Only she understand when I told her those "stories". At the same time, he denied whatever I said even though I tried my best to explain. I explained, and it didn't went in. I tried telling him my dad called and mentioned about all those things, seriously hoping that he can understand my situation and feel for me. It never happened. 

Can't deny if you had not jump to conclusion so fast at that time, things would have been different. 

Can't deny if you have asked or I have explained about those photos, things would have been different.

Can't deny if xxxx hasn't send out that msg to me on behalf of you, I would not have been so pissed with the whole thing. 

Can't deny if you had explain to me at that time, I would have reacted differently. 

We were both hurt in the process. In different ways. We both hated each other. In different ways. Bad words came out from our mouth and that continued for some time. Some words were said and were forgotten, only the listener remembered as we didn't really mean what we said. And there's this few statement that hurts every time it was mentioned. Disappointment. Anger. Misunderstanding.

The Lord was faithful. He never ever did gave up on me and yes, He still loves me. He called me back after I wandered around for few months. To make me realize that only Christ is the reality and I can't live a life without Him. I believed that we both had grew in life, gained and experienced more of Christ after all these. :) Whether things will be different if I had not make that decision? I really don't know because I believe all the things that happened were part of God's arrangement. I trust that as long we give ourselves to the Lord, He surely will bless us and lead us through everything. 

I love you Lord Jesus!

It's 12.44am, I cant believe I am still awake. Friday's small group today! :) :)